Okay, let’s get this part out of the way right off. Now that I take estrogen, I have a figure and having a figure is why I started taking estrogen. But whether I am a B cup or C cup or whatever is nowhere near the deal our culture makes this out to be. The best part of estrogen is about what happens in my mind, how I relate to other people.
Prompted by this essay by trans man Thomas Page McBee who speaks about what it means to be a man in this world with personal space, here is my perception about what it means to be a woman in this world who never felt at home with that space.
As male I went crazy inside every time any person I didn’t know extremely well got physically close. I too gave off an aura in a crowd – stay away from me and my testosterone, stay out of my way, give me the respect of space. Unlike McBee and, I think, many men, I didn’t like feeling that way. Those boundaries always felt forced; I hated testosterone with an unholy passion.
And then along came estrogen. Estrogen is not a miracle drug, but finally I feel inside how I ought to feel. In the space of one year, I no longer flinch, glare or push away people who touch me. People touching me and myself touching people back feels as normal as breathing.
My female friends started doing it first as the estrogen started to have more effect. They place their hands on the back of mine or on my forearm while they are talking. They bump up against me playfully when sharing a joke.
Personal touch and permeable personal space is the most important part of estrogen for me. This change confirms that I was right all along; I was never truly male no matter what the birth certificate said.
And I like this. A lot.